As of recently, I’ve felt an unparalleled feeling of anxiety that results in my need to play a part toward people; whether it be the need to coexist with supposed expectations that people suspect me to have. But I cannot, for some reason, understand the things that I do and the negative consequences that may result. I make trivial mistakes that do not warrant any intended malice or pain onto another, but it seems that, although some people may think that these “mistakes” do not matter, my mistakes consume me. Everyday I wake for the moment that I do not make a faux pas. But it always seems to happen. And the small things that may be considered to be faux pas in my head create a bigger issue than what is really thought to be by external forces. I try not to make mistakes and try to not exhibit things that may be considered to be “rude” or “out of place.” My supposed inner expectations seem to only clash with what I think people expect from me and how I try to appease these expectations. I try to understand that the expectations that have been placed onto me is an illusion or even better, a delusion, of what I think is expected when all it seems to be, is some sort of tug of war. A feeling that I must come to terms with; for what I think people expect of me and the constrast of what I expect from myself are two different spectrums. I am expecting myself to understand that the faux pas I make in social situations and the inner consequences that I have placed onto myself, only give me more of a reason to discipline myself and making my insecurities abouts making faux pas; resulting in an ongoing feeling that what I do is not enough, and what I don’t do, or make mistakes about only feeds into my insecurities about the latter.
I’m in an ongoing quarrel that I wish would subside from this point on.